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  1. #1
    Administrator Cebby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Pittsburgh, PA

    How to Poop at Work


    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
    convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
    who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
    a dump at work.

    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
    in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
    came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
    fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
    has left your pants.

    FLY BY:
    This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
    and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
    leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
    People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
    the bathroom.

    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
    forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
    wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
    it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter
    in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
    It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
    both parties feel uneasy.

    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
    This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
    should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
    left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just

    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
    This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
    bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
    stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
    someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
    that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
    avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You
    will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
    newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
    office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
    goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
    whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
    where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
    predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
    pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
    tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
    occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
    you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
    are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
    WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
    very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
    Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
    that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
    bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
    the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
    a Watermelon coming
    on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
    toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
    with an Astaire.

    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
    This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
    mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to
    relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when
    the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom

  2. #2

    Re: How to Poop at Work


  3. #3

    Re: How to Poop at Work

    This is why I am self employeed. And I just drive back to the house to use the bathroom.

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    star city, sask. canada

    Re: How to Poop at Work

    good one.
    i'm sure we can all relate to some or all.
    i'm reading this with tears in my eyes, it's halarious.

  5. #5

    Re: How to Poop at Work

    Funny stuff Cebby. I am reading this and laughing out loud and my daughter is sitting on the other side of my office wall wondering whats so funny...
    It sounds to me like this was written by a woman. I never have a problem pooping at work, even Flybys are welcome if they make everyone stand up and look for the poopetrator.
    Workpoops are great! I always figured it was better to get paid for pooping at work then doing it for free at home. I always feel cheated when I poop at home.
    If somebody "drops a bomb", and really stinks up the shitter, that is a moment for reflection and wondering what he had for dinner. I always told my kids when they were growing up, it's not WHAT you eat, but what you TURN it into...
    I am like a LavaLamp... Not very brite but fun to watch...

  6. #6
    Administrator Cebby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Pittsburgh, PA

    Re: How to Poop at Work

    Quote Originally Posted by astroracer View Post
    I always told my kids when they were growing up, it's not WHAT you eat, but what you TURN it into...
    Now there's some food for thought...

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